


Pardon Me, Where Is Your Sex Dungeon?

by blue_pointer



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Jealous Bucky Barnes, M/M, Superhusbands, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Vampire Hunters, Winteriron Holiday Exchange, dhampir Bucky, undercover tony, winteriron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-19 04:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13115772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_pointer/pseuds/blue_pointer
Summary: Bucky has to wait patiently while Tony goes undercover at a blood moon party. Trouble is, Bucky's not a patient guy.





	Pardon Me, Where Is Your Sex Dungeon?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [justanotherpipedream](https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanotherpipedream/gifts).



_ I don’t like this, Tony.  _

The text scrolled angrily across his vision. 

_ I know, sugarplum,  _ he typed back.  _ The trouble is, they can smell you from a mile away. I told you to wash those socks before you wore them again. _

_ Ha ha. _

_ Covert operations aren’t even your style. Stop being jealous. You know I wear this suit better than you do. _

A waitress came over with a tray and Tony took a flute of champagne. It was pretty good stuff, but he didn’t do more than taste. Better to keep a clear head when surrounded by predators.

_ What about that room over there?  _ Tony’s husband was not the most patient of people. Nevermind that some didn’t feel he qualified as a person to begin with.

_ Sweetheart, this isn’t that kind of party. If these people want to invite me to their secret sex dungeon, they’ll invite me. I can’t just go around opening random doors before then. _

_ By then it will be too late.  _ Tony could feel the anxiety pouring off him in each letter. Bucky was a shoot first and ask questions later kind of guy. A tank, forced to watch his small glass cannon DPS of a husband mincing through the lion’s den.

_ Hush. Running diagnostics. _

Bucky did stay quiet for a minute, but Tony could feel him seething on the other end of their connection the whole time. The bull wanted to be released into the china shop.

_ It’s not here. Schematics show something lower down in the structure.  _ There was a dungeon, but whether or not it was a sex dungeon remained to be seen.

_ You are not going into their sex dungeon. _

_ Oh, look who changed his tune.  _ Tony had to stop teasing, then, because someone had approached and wanted to converse. No one could make small talk like Tony Stark. However, even that Bucky couldn’t seem to keep his nose out of.

_ Nice tits. _

_ Thanks, it’s a new bra. You like it? _

_ Not you, shorty. _

Tony suppressed a chuckle. His husband trying to make him jealous by ogling whatever woman was flirting with Tony at the time was cute, but it was never going to work.

_ Oh, so you think I should ask to see more? _

_ Watch your ass, Stark. _

_ I thought that’s what you were doing? _

The reply took a second.  _ Always. _

Tony extricated himself with a satisfied smirk and went to go do some more exploring. The pool seemed to be the hot spot of this party. Tony immediately regretted having walked out openly. Maybe if he’d stayed inside, done some more spying first, he’d have had more time.

Blood sacrifices on the diving board--who does that? And it was ruining the whole swimming pool, though by the shapes darting excitedly below the surface, that was the point. He tried to casually back away through the kitchen door behind him, but a gentle hand found his shoulder.

“I see you found the real party.” It was the woman from earlier, now smiling with a bit more fang.

“Oh, did I? See, I was just looking for the sex dungeon.”

She laughed. “I had been hoping to get you into one of the bedrooms, have you all to myself. Too bad.” She took Tony’s hand and started to lead him toward the blood orgy.

“So what do you call this sort of...party?” Anything more she could tell them would be helpful. Who’s planned it, paid for it, approved it. Because parties like this were getting downright common these days, in spite of the Accords.

She pointed at the sky, excited as a schoolgirl. “It’s a blood moon.”

“Is it?” Of course it was. That’s how they’d known it would be happening tonight. No one accidentally throws a party on a blood moon.

“Of course, silly! We’re hoping to do enough to catch the attention of one of the elders.”

So maybe no one had approved it, then.  _ So much for that theory,  _ Bucky chimed in.

“Elders...you mean gods? Like Cthulhu?” Playing dumb could be an important part of stalling at times.

She threw back her head and laughed. “Maybe.” Then she turned to smile at him. “I like you.” She reached out to touch Tony’s goatee, and he could almost hear Bucky growling from the observation van. “Wanna spend a century or two together?”

“I’m not good with commitment. Can’t I get to know you better first?”

“No.” She was still smiling, but it was less amused now. “But if you prefer, you could choose door number 2.” She pointed at the side of the pool where thralls were tossing flayed skins into the water for the swimmers to enjoy.

“So not much of an option, really.” Tony was calm. He knew he could stall a bit longer. But it wasn’t just the vampire’s patience that was running out, he knew.

“Mine’s definitely the better option,” she told him, sultry. He could see her slim figure through the billowy dress as she moved between him and the pool lights. She saw him looking and her smile widened. “You’ve gotta admit; you’re considering it.”

“Well, who wouldn’t? Beautiful undead girl on a moonlit night. That’s romantic by any standards.” He tried not to look nervous as one of the goons came to stand next to them, expectantly.

“Time’s up.” She closed the distance between them in the blink of an eye, and jerked Tony toward her sharp teeth by the lapels of his tux.

He heard the blast of rocket boots just before her head exploded in his face like a watermelon at a Gallagher show. Tony kept his mouth and eyes shut, reaching for his pocket handkerchief to wipe the gore off his face. “You could have warned me first,” he complained.

“Suit on,” Bucky told him gruffly, going hand to hand with the goon, who was even harder to subdue than he looked. To prove he was the better hunter, Tony walked around behind the vampire and staked him  _ before _ summoning the armor.

“You always gotta win the argument,” Bucky growled, “even in the middle of a damn job.” He adjusted his metal arm as he sprinted toward the pool, hitting the surface with gas first before lighting up the flamethrower. No way were any of those things climbing out now. Creatures were screaming. So were partygoers, running frantically for the house while on fire. Bucky laughed.

Much as Tony enjoyed seeing his husband having fun--he’d been the one to dream up the flamethrower attachment to his arm in the first place--he did sometimes worry. “Has anyone ever told you you need therapy?” He was teasing...mostly. It was fun to tease Bucky, even in the middle of a job. The first gauntlet closed over his hand and arm and Tony began to make precise shots, putting the poor burning bloodsuckers out of their misery.

“All the time.” Bucky staked one coming for Tony from behind one-handed, and then the chestplate enveloped him. “Can’t you make it come faster?” That had been far too close for Bucky’s comfort.

“That’s what I said. Last night in the sex swing.” Tony batted his eyelashes at Bucky before the helmet closed off his expression.

“You’re hilarious.” Bucky jumped into the pool to finish off whatever was down there, and Tony had to keep himself from yelling when he saw exactly what they were. His husband could do this. He was perfectly capable, and the tech Tony had built for him only extended those powers. That didn’t mean he didn’t worry about Tony at least as much as Bucky worried about him. Being a dhampir just painted a giant target on his back in situations like this, super powers or not.

Reluctantly, Tony turned around to face the house, focusing on extraction and rescue. According to Jarvis’ readings, there were still about 20 humans left alive inside. 19, 17… “Dammit!”

_ Forget it, Tony. _ That was Bucky in his earpiece.

_ Don’t you dare--! _ But it was too late. Rockets flew past him and the ground shook with the explosion that set the house on fire. Tony sped in after them. _ Honey, you know I love you, but do you have to make my job harder? _

_ Sweetheart, our job is to take out the monsters, not save the village. _

_ Spoken like a true monster. _ They weren’t fighting, they were having a discussion. That was all.

_ I love you, too, Sunshine. _

Now Tony had to focus on whom to save. Who had the best chance? A couple of people were hiding. That looked promising. He got them to the van, came back for more. Then almost got his arm ripped off by one of the bouncers. “I hope you have good insurance,” he told the goon, looking in dismay at the deep claw marks in his armor. “That tech is one-of-a-kind. Gold-titanium alloy.”

The goon’s insurance seemed to be finishing the job on Tony. He took more of a beating than he usually liked, but the guy was big. And resistant to most of Tony’s specialty weapons. He made a mental note to find out what race of cryptozoan this guy was for next time.

Finally he just kicked the goon outdoors where Bucky took care of him. Hand to hand combat was his thing, not Tony’s. And now there were only three humans left alive in the house, excluding himself. Something small scuttled past his feet. “The dog!”

“That some kind of code?” Bucky appeared at his side, covered in gore, stoic.

“Sugarlump, you’re flammable!” Tony hosed him down with flame retardant and handed him the chihuahua. “Outside with you, puppies.” Bucky growled, but obeyed his orders for once.

Tony joined him in the van a few minutes later, three mortals in tow. “Can I go clean up now?” Bucky asked him, grumpy.

“No you may not. Jarvis, start the car.”

“Of course, Sir.”

“We can’t leave without clean-up,” Bucky insisted.

Tony sighed. Double-checked movement in the wreckage, any signs of “life.” As usual, his husband’s instincts proved more accurate. “Come on,” Tony told him. “We’ll go together.”

And a good thing, too. One of the lamia in the pool had not only survived Bucky’s initial attack, but evolved. It turned out to be quite the boss battle.

“You okay?” Bucky asked him, carrying Tony back to the van, suit and all, his eyes checking and double-checking his husband for injuries.

Tony rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’m okay. Are we getting married again, or do you just like carrying me over thresholds?”

“Shut up,” Bucky told him gently, kissing his cheek and leaving a smear of blood behind on the visor.

“Ugh.” Tony tried not to smile at his adorable but gore-covered mountain man princess-carrying Iron Man back to the getaway car. “Remind me to scrub your beard.”

“Only if I get to play with yours.”

“You make that sound dirty.” Tony smirked as they reached the van, sliding out of Bucky’s arms as the suit retracted. As expected, his husband retaliated with a playful slap to the ass. “Stooop!” Tony whined, leaning against the driver’s door and wiggling a little bit, ass-out.

“Inside,” Bucky growled. Tony could tell how aroused he was by the way he stride-limped around to the passenger’s side.

Everyone in the van still seemed to be in one piece, including the dog. But there was a white cat sitting on the roof of the van to greet him when Tony tried to climb in. “Well, who do we have here?”

Bucky shrugged, ducking inside. “Scan it.”

Tony already had the cat in his arms. “Fine. Real cat, J?”

The AI confirmed what Tony already knew. “I’m afraid so, Sir.”

“You always were a dog person. Here.” He handed the cat to Bucky as he slid into the driver’s seat. “Everyone okay back there?”

Not surprisingly, none of those rescued seemed to be in any shape to talk. Except the dog. The cat hissed in Bucky’s lap, and he swore. “Thanks a lot, Tony. I survive a fire fight only to be clawed to death by the damn cat.”

“Don’t be such a baby, cupcake.” Tony pulled out of the drive, leaving the towering inferno behind them.

“Honey, it’s in my  **lap** !” Bucky was indignant.

“Aww, hellpuppy. Did it scratch you in your manly parts?” Tony reached over and brushed fingers across Bucky’s cheek.

“Yes!” But the cat had moved, and Bucky was already on to cleaning his guns, his little fit over in a flash. It was unusual for him to stay upset with Tony.

“Don’t worry,” Tony smirked. “I’ll kiss it all better.”

Bucky dropped his arm cannon, glancing nervously into the back of the van. “Tony!”

Tony couldn’t help chuckling. His five hundred-year-old husband was adorable when he was scandalized. 


End file.
